Two faced

There she was.

Cuffed in the chains of the truth, caged inside the black four walls of her vicious doings. The girl dripped in hell’s perfume. She was the reason hell was created. In fact she was so gruesomely vile, no one took her inside custody.

But inside these walls there lied another girl whose name I shall not say, for she was too deranged to be identified. Tears had smudged her entire face, and her eyes had slowly started to roll in the back of her head from the lack of energy.

They were each others antinomy. Alone they were nothing but together destructive. One healed and the other demolished what was in front of her.

The first started to speak in some sort of snake language. All the dark whisperings of your 2am thoughts crept to life. She indulged herself into every cervices of your body, into every nucleus of your cell; transforming your entire DNA.

Her smooth criminal talk hugged the life out of you. It embraced into your skin, like your gloves in a cold and winter night. You were beginning to feel helpless and scarred from how she was getting and twisting your poor, untreated mind.

“I am not going to kill you” she hissed under her breath, leaving you in a state of stupor at the time “Oh no, no no no” the girl repeated several times to herself. She was starting to exclude you from her impairing, suicidal thoughts.

She laughed. And you would think that her laugh would be daisies and butterflies. The sound of your favourite music, the sound of the birds chirping in your morning window, the sound of your favourite piano piece. But no, her laugh screeched your skin, like a broken glass going up and down your body, marking its territory. Her laugh shattered your eardrums, making blood spill from your ears. It was the sound of all sinners combined in hell playing a terrifying symphony.

You wanted to leave but her aura, her entire being had captured you with just her mere gaze settling in your disfigured eyes. And now the only thing running along your damaged brain was “why did I decide to visit her in this hell-like place?”

“You don’t deserve to be alive” the she-devil spoke once more, her voice booming inside the prison. “Consider yourself lucky that you and I are separated from these thin paper walls or else you’d be long dead, you despicable, low-life creature” She spat in front of her face, with no manners or such.

A turn in your stomach made you want to vomit all the things you ate for lunch. Your ribs were starting to create friction with your pleura, making it hard for you to breath.

1,2,3, Breath.

1,2,3 Breath again, let your killer make you stronger. And if it doesn’t then let it kill you, cold and hard; just like that.

“Then why” you started to tear up, all the sadness piled in your throat, making it even harder for you to stay alive. “Why are you letting me live? Kill me right here, right now and everyone will not suspect a thing.” However cameras surrounded the whole place. Yet as if they both had made a pact with the devil, they both knew that if the monster killed you, she would get away with it.

“These chains are my only prohibition but once I get out, I swear you gonna wish you were never born. YOU HEAR ME!” She screamed right into your scarred face, making you yelp in fear.

But then she lowered into her seat and chuckled deeply. Like she had been possessed by a greater force, even though she was the worst you could think of.

“It’s been so long since I enjoyed a nice meal. Here everything tastes bland and boring. It does not satisfy me like a human flesh does. The ecstasy when they plead for you to stop skinning them while alive, it sends chills to my soul. The crispy taste of a young girls skin, so pure and untouched,  crunching in your mouth while you drink from a glass of blood. You don’t get things like these anymore in the restaurants am I right?” She joked but the fear plastered in your eyes was something unyielding. Had she gone mental? It defied every rule of the livings. She was a monster, a psychopath.

Nevertheless her eyes went dark again, clenching her perfect white pearly teeth, she looked at you in misery. She gazed at you with so much hatred that it was you who was caged inside a box with no window or light. It was just you warped in a twisted reality, with your hands in your head, and your mouth whispering prayers in any form of religion.

“But you know what, once I am free and out of here, I am going to be a girl with manners” your eyes practically fell from the sockets, you knew, you knew what she was going to say next and the mere thought of it sent shivers down your spine.

“Don’t” it was the only thing you could manage to whisper at this moment before you lost it all.

She chuckled again, playing with your mind, like cat and mouse; but this was not a TV show and things did not end up playfully and nice. Instead it sent you to the pits of hell.

“I am going to visit my lovely nieces and my brother-in-law for a nice cup of tea and biscuits. Isn’t that lovely of me?” Raising her perfect eyebrow, she stared at you like she was the most normally insane of all people “And then I’ll stay for lunch because your house has this smell that drives me more insane than I already am” Her nose inhaled in a sick manner, like she fed in atrocious memories.

Your eyes opened wide, because in that exact moment you knew. You knew what she was going to do. Opening and closing your hand in a repeated manner, like a schizophrenic OCD girl, you prepared for the worst, because what could you do except to face the consequences of your own ill-fate.

Making a deep throaty noise, she sneered at how pathetic and weak you were being; not even protecting your loved ones.

“I’ll first kill your lovely husband with those set of knives I bought recently, just like Caesar.” she giggled like it was the most normal thing to do. “Then I’ll head over to the little angels whom I mostly adore. Don’t worry their’s will be more heavenly, I am not that evil.” Suffering in the devil’s chains she was, the monster silently exclaimed her scheme.

“I’ll drink their precious blood from my bare hands. Ah just imagine the terror in their eyes and the silent screams when I tear the skin apart from their bones. The pure liquid grazing my sinful skin like my best accessory. The fear that fills my bones when they whisper your name for help ‘Mama” “Mama, help me’ but you won’t be there.” a sickening laugh boomed through the walls, that had still not shattered.

“Why are you doing this? Why do you hate me this much?” you managed to whisper, this time the glare in your eyes was so dark and emotionless that it sent the monster to total madness. You are not supposed to fight back. You’re supposed to be the weak one.

All hell broke loose…

“Because every day I had to live with the same face as you.” she screamed in your face, losing control completely. “Every day I ought to hear how perfect and kind and smart you were while I was the one who was thrown in the street for being different and monstrous. I was the outcast, the one who was never loved by anyone. And you, you little b.itch got everything I wanted. You stole my first toy, despite me telling you how badly I wanted it. You stole my first glorious moment in first grade. You stole my first crush and first dance and left me with all these dark thoughts consuming me. You stole the love I deserved from our parents. You, the perfect child, who was never accused of anything.” The table was thrown away, papers scattered down on the floor, her hair went haywire from all the pulling.

And all you could do was cry and regret all your life that had passed; it had created so much misery and barbarous creature.

“Look at me” you shifted your eyes, not daring to lock eyes with her, for you would break if yes “LOOK AT ME” a sudden thump was heard and a tint of a reddish colour became visible on the white freckled canvas. She had slapped you, with all her power.

The skin contact on your skin shook you, literally, it left you breathless; even your hearing was deafened because of that. An eery sound peeped in your ears as you tried to grasp the moment. It bothered you; how easy it was for her to violate you and how easy you let her.

maybe because deep down… you knew how unfair everyone has treated her, including you. This was a sort of compensation to say from your side.

“I’m sorry” you said as you wiped the tears from your face, empathy spread along your features. “I’m sorry for always…” but then suddenly, as the world rotated 360 degrees something unconsciously shifted “framing you.” you smirked. “You were always the misconceived one, the shy and timid one. Everyone looked at you like an outcast while they looked at me like I was their saviour; an angel in disguise. It was so easy to blame my doings to you. You were always so gullible. But don’t worry honey I killed them myself. Your daughters were so” you breathed in pure satisfaction “so scared to see their twin aunt twist the heart out of their father and then both of them screamed in a so delighted agony that I haven’t felt in ages” you groaned at the sudden memory. “And they thought their own wife and mother killed them, ha, those idiots.”

“But don’t worry though, now you won’t ever get out of this hell” you giggled in triumph “but even if you do, the world will always see you as the monster who massacred its own family and me as their angel. That’s how it is sweetie pie. Enjoy your hell!” the chair screeched as you pushed it backwards and got up, ready to leave this muddy place.

You see, sometimes our eyes are conceived by beauty that we forget that roses have thorns that cut your skin if you touch them. But despite that, you are mesmerised by its beauty that you forget the pain indulged in you.

To be normally insane in a world where normalcy is considered a salvation, is suicidal. You will never be understood and they will label you and then put you to trash. You don’t belong here.

You are different therefore you are a psychopath who are up to no good.

Mimetism is the key to this world; it will open you many doors. However the price to this, is that you forget and lose yourself. Are you willing to accept that?

Careful you must be, if you choose not to, you’ll be sent in a void, empty ally filled with darkness. No way back. In the midst of all that humanity will be wary… when you look at the dark side, cautious you must be… for the dark side looks back. It will devour you whole.

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Strings attached

It was five o’clock in the morning when there was a knock on the door. I refused to get up and see who was, my warm bed was making it impossible for me to abandon it. Whoever was behind the door started to bang it louder. That’s it! Furious. I got up and opened the bloody door for only to reveal my panic-stricken friend, El. “El what’s wrong? You okay? Stop shaking for the love of God!” She walked inside my apartment quickly and unbalanced as she collapsed on the floor. Before I could ask her, tears started streaming down her face as she retorted “Please I’m begging you, help me. Help me!” But I replied with just one word “Explain”.

Before she could say a single word, a powerful gunshot echoed through the room. She seemed terrified of the upcoming event as if she could predict on what was going to happen next. My blood drained from my body as a piece of the wood from the door had seriously wounded my thigh. El came near me, holding my face in her hands as she devastatingly said “Krystal you have to get up, okay? You have to get up and leave no matter the costs. War is about to happen and there is no time for me to explain but we need to find a safe place to hide. Do you understand me?” Her face was cold and scarred from all the fight she had been putting until now. Her hair was a mess and her clothes were wrecked.

She helped me up and we headed toward the emergency stairs. Another shot made me yelp in fear. “Keep going” El exclaimed. That was when her body collapsed and pulled me down the stairs. With my thigh burning and aching, I got closer to El’s cold and lifeless body. The shot had pierced right through her liver and her brown eyes had no signs of life. To say I was traumatised would be an underestimation. Despite being in a shock state, I carried her body down the janitor’s closet, ignoring my intense pain. Whoever did this must still be after us.

Tears escaped as I mourned for the way El had died.

I closed the closet’s door and hugged El’s petit body. That is when a whisper said “Shh, they’ll listen”. My body trembled as I heard that dead voice. Cautiously I craned my head to be met with a pair of black- brown eyes. I knew those eyes like I knew the back of my hand. Kris! I immediately got up and hugged the life out of him, craving for security. But as I wrapped my arms around his back I took a step back, completely stuttered. The cold object sent shivers down my skin. He was holding a gun. “It’s okay, I’ll protect you from them” As to defend himself, he quickly justified his actions.

“What’s going on Kris? What are you doing with a gun? What the hell are you doing with a freaking gun?!” I screamed directly at his confused face. He looked away, caught in his web of lies. But I did not really care about his emotions rather than mine.

I screamed more as I tried to get away from this psychopath but he was swift enough to cover my mouth with his hand. “If you actually care for your life, you better hush and leave with me. Now” I froze. “What are you saying? You monster! You probably killed El and now you are going to kill me too!” My assumptions caught him by surprise for only to let sudden anger emerge. He caught ahold of both of my wrists, pinning me against the cold granite.

Anger was fuming out of him and in that moment I felt like shrinking under his deathly stare. He sucked in a deep breath and turned his head to the side, making his jawline prominent from all that clenching. When he realised he started shouting, he softened his tone but still the fierceness to his voice was the same. “You call me a monster? You wanna get away from me? Do you think you’ll be safer out there with all those firing guns? Who do you think has been keeping you safe this whole time?” I was shocked, again. That was when he started getting closer, still holding my hands from under his holds. Kris released his right hand and brought it over towards the pale skin of my cheek. He leaned his head on my shoulder and hugged me closer to his warm and tense body. When our eyes met, his soft tone broke the silence. “All these times I’ve been running up and down the entire city to protect you from them. All that just to keep you safe” His eyes were passionate and fierce, burning with life and soul. “There were moments when I might even die, but that didn’t really matter, because the last thought etched in my mind would be you. I will protect you with each and every heartbeat of mine. He grabbed my trembling hands and pressed it in the middle of his rising and falling chest. His breathing was anything but normal, with all that arrhythmic heartbeats. But I kid you not, as soon as my palm rest in his, his entire being relaxed.

“You feel that? it’s beating for you, so please, just be with me. Be with me. I don’t see a reason not to.” His pleading melted my heart and I could’t resist at his words anymore. I released both of my hands from his hold and grabbed his face, locking my lips with his plump ones. In that vulnerable moment I took his gun and pointed at his chest.  Not even letting him to even give a second thought to all of this I pulled the trigger merciless, while looking at him dead in the eyes. “You gave your heartbeats to someone who doesn’t have one.”

Heart-Stealer (2nd part)

Sooo I decided to make a short story out of this. The 3rd part of the trilogy (illusions of heart) as the start and this is the second part. It will not be long though. The next part will probably be the ending of it but I shall see. Meanwhile thanks for the views, it means a lot. xxx

Okay so now you may ask, what happened between Krystal and the guy she met…

The story is quite simple actually.

His name is Kris. He is tall enough for her, dark, mysterious features and eyes where you could swim but not drown.

Kris was a business major and Krystal was a finance major. The reason they never met before… he was a senior.

It was least to say that they did not have a connection between each other. In fact they were so beautiful together, overwhelming everyone in the campus.

Both of them did not talk much, everything was quiet when they were together. But the silence filled the space where words couldn’t fit in. Their eyes did all the talking.

Krystal was in love. She loved Kris more than anyone in her life and she was afraid, terrified of this new profound love.

Krystal feared those black eyes who disarmed all her guards and could break in so freely.

But Kris loved seeing her so fragile and so sensitive around him. He loved how Krystal was fierce to the world but so soft when together. It reminded him that they were the same. He loved seeing her laugh over small things. How she would laugh at his terrible jokes, just so he could not feel bad about himself.

She was positive and he was negative. Opposites attract.

“Kris look at what I bought yesterday,” standing in front of the tall, handsome looking guy, Krystal flaunted her new outfit. “Do I remind you of someone?” Her eyes were beaming and her entire being was glowing with love. Even if you were blind, you could see the love radiating from her. It was pure, it was out of this world.

Kris snorted, his heart was swelling at the sight of her beauty “You look like that Sailor Moon girl.” Her smile expanded more, ear to ear; he found it.

“Yes I found this online and since we are both cancerians I bought it.” the necklace in the moon shape reflected from the sunlight.

Suddenly, her cheeks were a shade of pink. Krystal looked down at the small box on her hands, gripping it tightly. Wondering to give it to him or not.

It was a matching jewelry from Sailor Moon, a star-shaped clock, the moon imprinted inside of it. Her affection had reached its maximum height. Her entire being was devoted to Kris and she was so scared, it defied all her logics. Her entire walls and rules were broken because of this simple, yet mysterious guy.

She was afraid though, that this little happiness that had surrounded them will be soon towards an end. The gut feeling in her stomach felt that.

“You and your crazy horoscope.” He clicked his tongue but with a hint of playfulness in it. Kris was whipped by her. If it was anyone else, he would think of the person as stupid; but not Krystal, she was special.

“Oh please you love it when I talk about our signs. Last time I saw you googling scorpio-cancer compatibility.” Krystal fought back and suddenly she had this sudden urge to hug the life out of him… but she couldn’t.

That’s one thing about them both. They never do skinship or display their affection by touching each-other. They are too shy for that.

Kris smiled a bit but Krystal sensed that he was hiding something. His eyes had this kind of strong edge to it. It’s like he is a different person. It was times like this that Kris scared the life out of Krystal.

They were just looking at each other, the time had stopped for both of them. Kris was glaring at her, with so much intensity and curiosity that Krystal felt intimidated. She had seen the bad side of Kris but this, right now, it’s a new side that she had yet to decipher.

“I-I’ll be going now. My class starts in a minute.” Krystal stutters and rushes inside the building. Kris in the meantime just smirked and shook his head.

He loved seeing this side of Krystal, so innocent and pure, not touched by anyone.

Picking up his phone, that had been ringing since they stepped inside the campus, Kris answered in a cold and business-like voice “Yes, I’ll be joining the meeting. I’m on my way.”

***

“Krystal, how are you doing? It’s been a long time since we talked” Rachel.

Her arch-nemesis. The she-devil. The ex-bff who ruined her life. The two-faced witch. The ungrateful one. The jealous one. The b.itch who made her heartless.

Krystal was reading the book when Rachel approached her.

She sighed because Krystal knew that if Rachel came to talk to her, she either needed something or had found something to use against her. Either way, she was no good, just plain evil.

“Rachel hi” In a monotonous voice Krystal replied, she had enough of her. “I’m busy so next time, maybe” she really did not need to see her face right now, in fact, NEVER.

Ignoring the cold way Krystal was treating her, Rachel continued with the fresh juice she had found “I hear you are in a relationship with someone and not just anyone but with Kris Wu, the descendant of the GE corp. I thought you said you wanted to date someone in your thirties? This fast?” Did I forget to mention that Kris was a rich guy in his twenties, a guy that ladies are more than willing to sell their bodies for him?

Krystal sighed and looked up; she was annoyed by her entire being. “What I do is my business not yours, so stay out of it.” She never responded harshly but this was a time she needed to. Krystal knew that when Rachel had found out who Kris was, she would be after him, especially now that he and Krystal are going out.

Krystal got something than Rachel MUST have it too.

“But I don’t see a ring on your finger. It must be something temporary, after all there are better fish on the sea.” Rachel flaunted at Krystal, who in the meantime was sneering at her.

But she knew she must not show any sign of weakness or else she was doomed, finished, out of the game. So she just ignored Rachel.

“I am meeting him today. My father has something to discuss with his father.” Pulling her hair on the back, Rachel smirked and waited for Krystal’s reaction.

Soon she left because Krystal acted like she did not even exist and Rachel eventually got tired.

But as soon as she left, the gut on her stomach was weighing down on her. She had this bad feeling but she refused to listen to it.

Krystal was scared.

After the classes were over and she had went to her apartment something, or should I say someone was waiting for her. They were three and judging by the looks of their face, they were here to talk business.

Krystal’s world started to crash slowly and then all at once.

In a simple day she lost everything…

 

Illusions of heart: Trilogy, (part 3)

There I was, sitting in the most quiet place on the cafe, reading my precious book and drinking my afternoon coffee.

It was so heavenly.

The weather was cold and windy, but I felt so secured being inside these four walls. It helped that a cheesy scene was happening in the book, between the main characters and I smiled like a goof. I had waited pages for them even if it was a small romantic scene.

And then I was wandering about my hopeless romantic life. So plain and so boring; nonexistent.

Sipping from the cup, a voice startles my being. I looked up and saw a guy in front of me. Grabbing a napkin,I cleaned myself from the foam stuck in my upper lip. “Hello Krystal, it’s been a long time since we last saw each other.”

My mind had gone stupor. The only thing I could do is stare at him, without actually freaking him out.

I understood that he senses a sort of awkwardness from my part so I coughed a bit and went on “Aiden, yeah. Nice to see you again.” He sat down and I was mentally screaming.

Aiden used  to be one of childhood crushes. We went to the same school and lived on the same neighbourhood. He was not the boy next door though. He was okay, better than the rest; but not special.

“Is there something wrong?” I asked him. I hate being polite to people because they take it the wrong way and start being clingy to you. I wanted my heaven back. *mentally pouts*

He shakes his head and says no “I just happened to see you here, reading a book all alone and I thought hey, let’s meet a good friend.” He was smiling from ear to ear. His vibe was glowing and I turned even more cautious around him. What did he want?

“No you did not” I spoke and he looked at me with his brown, chocolate eyes and thick eyelashes. He had the genes of a middle eastern man, without actually being related to them. “You have been stalking me all day. Just because I am looking down does not mean I am not vigilant.” Aiden blushed as if getting caught red-handed.

“You are smart, always have been.” again with the compliments. I was eyeing him and definitely knew something was up, to no good.

“Look, is there something you want to tell me. You are anxious and I can tell.” I pointed at his leg and spoke again “It’s shaking like crazy.”

He got now even more tense than before, as his fingers were twitching. Aiden scratched the nape of his neck and chuckled a bit. My heart was speeding up because I finally understood the reason.

“You make it so hard for a guy to come near you. You were always a cold iced princess.” Aiden looked down and his cheeks were a hint of pink.

“Self-protection” I remarked but with a softer voice then before. I knew I had to stop from looking so stone-hearted, when all I wanted to do is to protect myself from getting hurt. Natural selection. Who was the one who really had the guts to come near me?

“And you always made it so hard for me to be next you. You are so volatile and unpredictable, too fast to catch up.” Now he was looking straight to my eyes, my turn to blush.

“Ever since a kid, you would push every guy away but I still hoped that I was different. I could see it in your eyes, you wanted to talk to me but was afraid of being prejudiced. I respected that. You value self-respect and dignity.” He chuckled again “You made me fall for you, head over heels. My mind rotated around your being and I was so depressed that I could not have you. So I waited, I waited when we were a certain age and I had my shot before someone else took it from me.” His monologue was starting to make me nervous and sweaty. I could not understand why? I mean this is what I had been waiting since little, why am I so unsure right now? Why doesn’t it feel right?

“I know when we came across the restaurant you knew I had my eyes on you the entire time. But you did not look once and my heart hurt for some reason. I knew you were with your parents and was shy to get up and talk to you” somehow angry at himself “But I told myself to wait, a little bit more.”

“I was looking at you but you did not notice” How could I tell him that I wanted us to meet but for some reason the universe was against it.

He smiled again, that’s all he seems to be doing “I told myself to wait, to find the prefect timing before you slipped away from my hands.” He rubbed his hands in his jeans, let out a deep breath and “This is the moment” My heart exploded and my eyes fell of their sockets. This is not happening.

“I want to ask you out with the vision of us getting married in the future.”

My head was swirling with the idea of marriage.

Maybe I was afraid of commitment

or maybe… he was not the one. My heart was feeling strange, out-of-place.

I nodded “Aiden, this is so sudden and I appreciate all your feelings” but before I could say but, he interrupted me. “Thanks Krystal, I knew it was mutual.” He knew he was fooling himself but continued his way.

“But I am not ready to accept your feelings.” How could I tell him that I did not love him, without sounding like an arsehole. It would be rude.

He had waited for so long to express his love and for me to turn him down so blatantly; I was not that evil.

He nodded but hurt was evident in his eyes, he knew he was too late. “I understand but if you change your mind, you should know that my love for you is infinite.”

My ears irked up at his saying. He loved me.

“You really love me?”

He chuckled, again “My monologue said it all I think. I’ve always loved you but now I wish I had said it to you earlier or made different decisions than these.”

I knew me loving him all this time was an illusion. I never loved him, maybe in the beginning yes but after; I was just fooling myself. I liked the idea of him loving me.

“Than let me ask you a question?” My eyes had turn cold like before, no feelings lingering in them. It was a question that has stayed inside my mind for a very long time and I finally had the chance to ask.

He was willing to listen.

“If we are married but do not have kids. In fact nothing stays between us other than this love we share for each other. No linkage or whatsoever. If a building was on fire and only two people were inside, whom would you save? Knowing that the people inside were your mother and me.” This question has been brewing me since high school when a airhead of a girl asked me on computer class and I answered mom, of course.

He thought for a bit but I fast forwarded his thinking process “It’s fire, you don’t have much time to think, just pick one.” I was curious as hell to what his response would be.

“Gee where do you get these questions from?” He thought for a bit and then…. “My mom”

I smiled “You would let me die?” a little sly smile, dare I say. Provoking, provoking.

“It’s a tricky question but I have to do what’s right. One has only one mother but many wives. The relationship between a parent and the child is more heavenly and pure that the other.”He finished, uncomfortable with the way I was staring at him.

Stare.

Sitting back at the chair I spoke up “True I was thinking the same. To be honest it is the right thing to do. The thing is you don’t love me as much as you say you do.” I smirked and sipped from my, now cold, coffee.

He frowned, confused, again. Do I make people confuse? “But you said you made the same choice, how does that prove I don’t love you?”

“You see, I said that you made the right decision but I hoped for more. I thought that you would” I sighed. A sigh filled with disappointment and sadness. “I thought that you would be different.

I wanted him to say that yes, he would save his mother but then he would die with me. That a life without me in it, would be pointless and hopeless. A life without one another would be vague and dull, without emotions and just plain, normal.

But I asked for more. I asked for the galaxy but he could barely give me Earth. I wanted more and maybe it is partly my fault for reading too much and delving in a world of idealistic perfectionism and I am not.

But in the midst of all that, I asked for pure love. Aiden could not give me that. He was surrounded by commoners who don’t bother to look past the surface; instead they just muddy the water to make it look deep.

“I am sorry but somewhere in this interval, the universe was speaking to us, but we weren’t listening. Maybe the time you were waiting, don’t you think that you were not so sure of yourself? You were afraid and obscure and I respect that. In fact I more than welcome it. But I want to thank you” I smiled but not fully, did not feel like it “For stepping up and expressing your feelings to me. I appreciate it a lot. Maybe in another time we could be together but right now we are not ready for each other.” I started gathering my stuff, preparing to leave.

I should feel sad. I mean I had been waiting for this moment in such a long time. Ever since little I dreamt of this but instead I felt relieved and happy. I sorted my feelings out and am ready for the next step. Until then…

I bid goodbye without looking back.

“I am so sorry” I gasped, how stupid and blind can someone be?

I just spilled my coffee on some random person.

“It’s okay, I needed this anyways.” His voice was familiar.

I looked up and saw the silhouette. I swear I had seen it before.

Not in this world but in my dreams. A man whose voice haunted me in my sleepless nights.

Somewhere between me spilling my coffee and his hand electrifying mine, I understood it.

It’s not about superficial beauty, it’s about him touching your soul with just one simple touch and word; and the same book in both of our hands.

“My name is…”

 

Broken promises

It ripped my heart…

She was standing there, all teared up and whatnot, trying to convince herself that I was telling lies. I did not mean any of that.

But I was not having any of it. And you would think that after spending three years together I would feel something, be it pain, remorse, empathy. Truth is, I was empty, nothing could pour out of me, not even blood.

“How could you say that? What about all the times you said you would be there for me and never let me go. Were they lies, you bastard?” anger seeped through her. She was not thinking rationally anymore and I could sense that. I don’t know why I decided to toy with her feelings, it kinds electrified me the need to crush her even more.

“It’s not you, it’s me” I did not even bother to show my sorrowness towards her, I was just saying things for her sake.

“Don’t you dare pull that line on me.” She threatened me again, as if her little warnings would tear me to apart. She was so delusional.

I just smiled at her misery, it wasn’t intentional I swear. I just did.

“Than what do you want to hear from me. Ask fast for I don’t have time to spend with petty things like you.” somewhat bored with the lack of soul. She was not enough to feel me, fill me or understand me. She was just plain.

She thought and then looked up and me and asked, tears frozen on her cheeks “What was I to you?” I knew it, she was so predictable, they all are thus I drop them and release myself from their holding.

I did not even have to think about this question anymore, it had become cliché to my ears. “You were my escape, someone I needed for that little period. Someone whom I could spend some insignificant and trivial minutes. You were never special to my eyes. Just someone who thought of herself to be different yet was a prey to normality. I needed you to fill the gap of the previous ones, the ones before you, but that was it. Nothing more nothing less.” It surprised to me how could not I feel even an ounce of misery and remorse, instead I was empty.

“But you said that I was better than the ones before. You promised me” again she started to tear up. It was getting annoying actually.

I looked nowhere in particular, just in the empty and vast space that surrounded us. I was such a mess. Truth is, I gave everyone hopes, I loved them like no one has ever loved them before. I guided them, consoled and actually cared for them. But that was never enough. My entire being was starting to get tired and … sad.

I was starting to lose touch with everything that surrounded me, including my own soul. Overtime I would force myself to feel a certain emotion or else I would forget and be stuck in my stoicalness. I was sad but not that kind of sad where you need someone to hug you. I needed someone who could understand me even without words being said.

But all of them were normal, no one could understand me. They never understood how I could be a monster and psychopath if I wanted and the next minute a sweet person who goes volunteering. My mind was warped between illusion and reality. I realized that I was playing a game of death and the only one getting hurt it was me, the very own creator.

I did not need tears to tell others I was sad, instead I would go and make them happy, for a while I would forget about my hollowness and went on with the day. Giving others part of me and never letting them feel sad or lonely. They opened up to me and told me all their misery and pain. But who was there to listen to mines?

Where were they on my 2 am thoughts when all I wanted to do was kill myself but hating on myself for being weak? Or in the middle of the day where I would not say a word for I was expecting them to understand me, without having me explain my sociopathic thoughts? I was not alone but God was I lonely.

Never did they go past my smile and never did they dig deep enough to find my sorrow and agony.

I don’t blame them you know, I have a hard time opening up about my own feelings. How could they know about my torments when all I did was laugh and make crappy jokes I saw on Tumblr? How could they know about my throbbing heartache and even I myself don’t know the source of it?

Ah this world is so confusing. I ache for something that does not exist.

“You are not even my escape in fact” I chuckled deeply, for the first time feeling deeply and all at ones all the suffering of the world; hitting me with waves of troubled sea, hitting it with lightning bolts. “You were just an illusion I kept telling myself. Repeating to my brain that yes, you are different. But fuck it, you are just like everyone else whose mere existence revolves around being loved by someone.” Deep waves crashed my interiors and I was starting to crumble down like melted ice. “I gave you so much but you never touched my soul, not even for a fucking minute. And that’s fucking crazy, you know that.” I lost into a maze filled with madness.

“This void in my chest has been going on for a while. I don’t feel anything around me. Plain energy. I can’t feel and it’s driving me crazy. I gasp for air. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? I cannot fucking breath, my lungs keep drowning in a sea full of tar. My brain is doing some cataclysmic phenomena on me and I just don’t function as a whole again. Can’t you see it? How blind can someone be? Look at my eyes and tell me that it’s not death written in there. Just look at me, like you’re looking at a deformed creature for the first time. Can’t you see how deranged I am behind the mask of perfection?” Her eyes widened with horror. For the first time she saw me lose control. For the first time she saw my true nature. And I could read into her eyes that she could not handle it.

What was there left for me but to laugh. I did. I laughed with whole me heart. My whole body aches for it.

Through the midst of all this riot I stopped functioning. I was not understanding what was happening. My last breath left my body but I was still alive, physically.

I realised that she had left in a while. “I thought you said that no matter what, you’ll be there for me…” tears.

This liquid dropped down my face. It was salty but pure. What was happening to me? A pool of tears happened afterwards and I could not control them anymore.

“You all said forever after, but why am I still alone and so cold. Why are there tears leaking down my cheeks. You promised me happiness but now you’re letting me drown in my misery? Why is my heart stinging to the point I want to rip it off my chest with my bare filthy hands?” no sense was coming out of my mouth. They all left. I was alone and lonely.

My throat ached, my limbs were numb and my eyes burned and were red.

For the first time I wished, I wished that there were someone to hold me and lull me back to sleep; to the place I most dream of. But there is no one. How could there be someone when my true face showed. A beast who is incapable of love and nurture. I was too much of a handicapped of a person and too much to handle.

They preferred someone who was normal.

 

Seeping through sadness

I should probably be studying for my math final exam but here I am, my mind wandering off to the good ol times. Back into the days where happiness found home. A home full of joy and love. Laughter boomed like thunder, smiles beamed like the sun and words embraced the cold of your skin. Everything was like a movie you might say. A perfect ending.

Ending.

The home was wrecked by a tornado. It was tormented and thrown into the abyss and never coming back.

I felt cold and hopeless. I felt like someone had punched me hard and pushed me into the cold hard ground with no words to embrace my cold.

Scared and scarred, I was.
A fool that never saw behind the mirrors of that house. But maybe they were blinding me with that fake light of theirs, reflecting only what I wanted to see.

Foolish of me to not see how the house was destroyed from within and not from a tornado. It was destroyed by termites full of hatred and jealousy.

And sadness seeps in for no one dared to look at me again nor speak to me. They left for I had nothing to give anymore. I was shattered into millions of pieces and no one wants a damaged person; for it cuts you too.

A pitiful life that is. Full of sorrow and regrets. Full of misery and pain that will never go back.

Bring me back the joy I deserve
If you got the nerve
To look right into my wounded eyes and tell me all the sins you did to me.
And I will listen and forgive you again
Because I,too, want back that happiness that scattered away like dust in the wind.

But you never came back and my happiness was lost.
Not once you turned your head back but God I still don’t know how you still turn the knife inside my heart again.

Maybe for once, I should deceive you like this,

a touch, a kiss and then running towards the bliss.

running to a road with no end;

the two of us, strangers that are condemned.

♠♥Haunted Memories♣♦

What’s your fade memory? Tell me a story on how you became so timid and uncomfortable with the outside world? I want to know the scars of yours and the pain that they inflicted on your soul? Was it too difficult to swallow poison and then live with it your whole life? Too young to understand the love you were receiving?

Tell me your story. I want to know the darkest thoughts of your soul when everyone was pushing you from the cliff. What were you thinking back then? Was it relief or grief?

Tell me. Why were you so vulnerable when your sub-conscious is so strong? You had the power within yet you paved yourself so others could step on you; without getting mud on their shoes.

How about the tears? Were they warm when they leaked through your face whenever they taunted and offended you? Or were they cold because you were already used to it?

Tell me please. I want to know your story. I want to know the story of your life. What happened that you turned so cold and distance?

Sigh. “You don’t need to go too far to understand my pain. It is a work of ages. Despair has been piling and filling every corner of my body. It has swallowed my brain and my heart. I am you. I know how you feel. I know how you think. I am every single one of you, without being you.”

I don’t understand. How can you be me?

Smile. “Sit down for the story begins right now; the story of a trivial girl who never felt like she belonged to the universe.”

How can that be? Surely you must feel something. It is impossible to feel so void and empty, yet here you are?

Sad. “Here I am? Are you sure about that? Illusion is a concept that the human mind has yet not discovered. I am here yet I could be there. I am the past, the future and the present. I am me yet I am you. You see, it is all about perception and being open minded.”

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Laughing. “You are funny little child.”

My heart is swelling. Please, please I want to know the story of yours.

“There is nothing special about me though. I am just a passer of time and so are you. It is impossible to sign footprints on the universe for everything is just an illusion; illusion of time, dear child.”

“It is an illusion. The story I am about to tell you right now, is happening somewhere else we don’t know about. So should I use present tense or past tense? But perhaps this story is going to change the future so should we really tell it, knowing that everything we know might change our direction?”

Yes, it doesn’t matter if it is past or present. I want to know a story, YOUR story. And I would not even care that in the future I might not even exist for I had the pleasure of knowing you, meeting you and more importantly BEING you.

Smirk. “You are catching along I see. Well then you know the risk of this story so do not blame me for the consequences of your existence.”

Finally you agreed to do it.

“Shush now for the story begins right now.”

“It begins in your sleep. It begins with you sleeping uncomfortably, tossing and turning all around. It begins with you and your nightmares. It begins like this….”