Strings attached

It was five o’clock in the morning when there was a knock on the door. I refused to get up and see who was, my warm bed was making it impossible for me to abandon it. Whoever was behind the door started to bang it louder. That’s it! Furious. I got up and opened the bloody door for only to reveal my panic-stricken friend, El. “El what’s wrong? You okay? Stop shaking for the love of God!” She walked inside my apartment quickly and unbalanced as she collapsed on the floor. Before I could ask her, tears started streaming down her face as she retorted “Please I’m begging you, help me. Help me!” But I replied with just one word “Explain”.

Before she could say a single word, a powerful gunshot echoed through the room. She seemed terrified of the upcoming event as if she could predict on what was going to happen next. My blood drained from my body as a piece of the wood from the door had seriously wounded my thigh. El came near me, holding my face in her hands as she devastatingly said “Krystal you have to get up, okay? You have to get up and leave no matter the costs. War is about to happen and there is no time for me to explain but we need to find a safe place to hide. Do you understand me?” Her face was cold and scarred from all the fight she had been putting until now. Her hair was a mess and her clothes were wrecked.

She helped me up and we headed toward the emergency stairs. Another shot made me yelp in fear. “Keep going” El exclaimed. That was when her body collapsed and pulled me down the stairs. With my thigh burning and aching, I got closer to El’s cold and lifeless body. The shot had pierced right through her liver and her brown eyes had no signs of life. To say I was traumatised would be an underestimation. Despite being in a shock state, I carried her body down the janitor’s closet, ignoring my intense pain. Whoever did this must still be after us.

Tears escaped as I mourned for the way El had died.

I closed the closet’s door and hugged El’s petit body. That is when a whisper said “Shh, they’ll listen”. My body trembled as I heard that dead voice. Cautiously I craned my head to be met with a pair of black- brown eyes. I knew those eyes like I knew the back of my hand. Kris! I immediately got up and hugged the life out of him, craving for security. But as I wrapped my arms around his back I took a step back, completely stuttered. The cold object sent shivers down my skin. He was holding a gun. “It’s okay, I’ll protect you from them” As to defend himself, he quickly justified his actions.

“What’s going on Kris? What are you doing with a gun? What the hell are you doing with a freaking gun?!” I screamed directly at his confused face. He looked away, caught in his web of lies. But I did not really care about his emotions rather than mine.

I screamed more as I tried to get away from this psychopath but he was swift enough to cover my mouth with his hand. “If you actually care for your life, you better hush and leave with me. Now” I froze. “What are you saying? You monster! You probably killed El and now you are going to kill me too!” My assumptions caught him by surprise for only to let sudden anger emerge. He caught ahold of both of my wrists, pinning me against the cold granite.

Anger was fuming out of him and in that moment I felt like shrinking under his deathly stare. He sucked in a deep breath and turned his head to the side, making his jawline prominent from all that clenching. When he realised he started shouting, he softened his tone but still the fierceness to his voice was the same. “You call me a monster? You wanna get away from me? Do you think you’ll be safer out there with all those firing guns? Who do you think has been keeping you safe this whole time?” I was shocked, again. That was when he started getting closer, still holding my hands from under his holds. Kris released his right hand and brought it over towards the pale skin of my cheek. He leaned his head on my shoulder and hugged me closer to his warm and tense body. When our eyes met, his soft tone broke the silence. “All these times I’ve been running up and down the entire city to protect you from them. All that just to keep you safe” His eyes were passionate and fierce, burning with life and soul. “There were moments when I might even die, but that didn’t really matter, because the last thought etched in my mind would be you. I will protect you with each and every heartbeat of mine. He grabbed my trembling hands and pressed it in the middle of his rising and falling chest. His breathing was anything but normal, with all that arrhythmic heartbeats. But I kid you not, as soon as my palm rest in his, his entire being relaxed.

“You feel that? it’s beating for you, so please, just be with me. Be with me. I don’t see a reason not to.” His pleading melted my heart and I could’t resist at his words anymore. I released both of my hands from his hold and grabbed his face, locking my lips with his plump ones. In that vulnerable moment I took his gun and pointed at his chest.  Not even letting him to even give a second thought to all of this I pulled the trigger merciless, while looking at him dead in the eyes. “You gave your heartbeats to someone who doesn’t have one.”

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Broken promises

It ripped my heart…

She was standing there, all teared up and whatnot, trying to convince herself that I was telling lies. I did not mean any of that.

But I was not having any of it. And you would think that after spending three years together I would feel something, be it pain, remorse, empathy. Truth is, I was empty, nothing could pour out of me, not even blood.

“How could you say that? What about all the times you said you would be there for me and never let me go. Were they lies, you bastard?” anger seeped through her. She was not thinking rationally anymore and I could sense that. I don’t know why I decided to toy with her feelings, it kinds electrified me the need to crush her even more.

“It’s not you, it’s me” I did not even bother to show my sorrowness towards her, I was just saying things for her sake.

“Don’t you dare pull that line on me.” She threatened me again, as if her little warnings would tear me to apart. She was so delusional.

I just smiled at her misery, it wasn’t intentional I swear. I just did.

“Than what do you want to hear from me. Ask fast for I don’t have time to spend with petty things like you.” somewhat bored with the lack of soul. She was not enough to feel me, fill me or understand me. She was just plain.

She thought and then looked up and me and asked, tears frozen on her cheeks “What was I to you?” I knew it, she was so predictable, they all are thus I drop them and release myself from their holding.

I did not even have to think about this question anymore, it had become cliché to my ears. “You were my escape, someone I needed for that little period. Someone whom I could spend some insignificant and trivial minutes. You were never special to my eyes. Just someone who thought of herself to be different yet was a prey to normality. I needed you to fill the gap of the previous ones, the ones before you, but that was it. Nothing more nothing less.” It surprised to me how could not I feel even an ounce of misery and remorse, instead I was empty.

“But you said that I was better than the ones before. You promised me” again she started to tear up. It was getting annoying actually.

I looked nowhere in particular, just in the empty and vast space that surrounded us. I was such a mess. Truth is, I gave everyone hopes, I loved them like no one has ever loved them before. I guided them, consoled and actually cared for them. But that was never enough. My entire being was starting to get tired and … sad.

I was starting to lose touch with everything that surrounded me, including my own soul. Overtime I would force myself to feel a certain emotion or else I would forget and be stuck in my stoicalness. I was sad but not that kind of sad where you need someone to hug you. I needed someone who could understand me even without words being said.

But all of them were normal, no one could understand me. They never understood how I could be a monster and psychopath if I wanted and the next minute a sweet person who goes volunteering. My mind was warped between illusion and reality. I realized that I was playing a game of death and the only one getting hurt it was me, the very own creator.

I did not need tears to tell others I was sad, instead I would go and make them happy, for a while I would forget about my hollowness and went on with the day. Giving others part of me and never letting them feel sad or lonely. They opened up to me and told me all their misery and pain. But who was there to listen to mines?

Where were they on my 2 am thoughts when all I wanted to do was kill myself but hating on myself for being weak? Or in the middle of the day where I would not say a word for I was expecting them to understand me, without having me explain my sociopathic thoughts? I was not alone but God was I lonely.

Never did they go past my smile and never did they dig deep enough to find my sorrow and agony.

I don’t blame them you know, I have a hard time opening up about my own feelings. How could they know about my torments when all I did was laugh and make crappy jokes I saw on Tumblr? How could they know about my throbbing heartache and even I myself don’t know the source of it?

Ah this world is so confusing. I ache for something that does not exist.

“You are not even my escape in fact” I chuckled deeply, for the first time feeling deeply and all at ones all the suffering of the world; hitting me with waves of troubled sea, hitting it with lightning bolts. “You were just an illusion I kept telling myself. Repeating to my brain that yes, you are different. But fuck it, you are just like everyone else whose mere existence revolves around being loved by someone.” Deep waves crashed my interiors and I was starting to crumble down like melted ice. “I gave you so much but you never touched my soul, not even for a fucking minute. And that’s fucking crazy, you know that.” I lost into a maze filled with madness.

“This void in my chest has been going on for a while. I don’t feel anything around me. Plain energy. I can’t feel and it’s driving me crazy. I gasp for air. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? I cannot fucking breath, my lungs keep drowning in a sea full of tar. My brain is doing some cataclysmic phenomena on me and I just don’t function as a whole again. Can’t you see it? How blind can someone be? Look at my eyes and tell me that it’s not death written in there. Just look at me, like you’re looking at a deformed creature for the first time. Can’t you see how deranged I am behind the mask of perfection?” Her eyes widened with horror. For the first time she saw me lose control. For the first time she saw my true nature. And I could read into her eyes that she could not handle it.

What was there left for me but to laugh. I did. I laughed with whole me heart. My whole body aches for it.

Through the midst of all this riot I stopped functioning. I was not understanding what was happening. My last breath left my body but I was still alive, physically.

I realised that she had left in a while. “I thought you said that no matter what, you’ll be there for me…” tears.

This liquid dropped down my face. It was salty but pure. What was happening to me? A pool of tears happened afterwards and I could not control them anymore.

“You all said forever after, but why am I still alone and so cold. Why are there tears leaking down my cheeks. You promised me happiness but now you’re letting me drown in my misery? Why is my heart stinging to the point I want to rip it off my chest with my bare filthy hands?” no sense was coming out of my mouth. They all left. I was alone and lonely.

My throat ached, my limbs were numb and my eyes burned and were red.

For the first time I wished, I wished that there were someone to hold me and lull me back to sleep; to the place I most dream of. But there is no one. How could there be someone when my true face showed. A beast who is incapable of love and nurture. I was too much of a handicapped of a person and too much to handle.

They preferred someone who was normal.

 

Seeping through sadness

I should probably be studying for my math final exam but here I am, my mind wandering off to the good ol times. Back into the days where happiness found home. A home full of joy and love. Laughter boomed like thunder, smiles beamed like the sun and words embraced the cold of your skin. Everything was like a movie you might say. A perfect ending.

Ending.

The home was wrecked by a tornado. It was tormented and thrown into the abyss and never coming back.

I felt cold and hopeless. I felt like someone had punched me hard and pushed me into the cold hard ground with no words to embrace my cold.

Scared and scarred, I was.
A fool that never saw behind the mirrors of that house. But maybe they were blinding me with that fake light of theirs, reflecting only what I wanted to see.

Foolish of me to not see how the house was destroyed from within and not from a tornado. It was destroyed by termites full of hatred and jealousy.

And sadness seeps in for no one dared to look at me again nor speak to me. They left for I had nothing to give anymore. I was shattered into millions of pieces and no one wants a damaged person; for it cuts you too.

A pitiful life that is. Full of sorrow and regrets. Full of misery and pain that will never go back.

Bring me back the joy I deserve
If you got the nerve
To look right into my wounded eyes and tell me all the sins you did to me.
And I will listen and forgive you again
Because I,too, want back that happiness that scattered away like dust in the wind.

But you never came back and my happiness was lost.
Not once you turned your head back but God I still don’t know how you still turn the knife inside my heart again.

Maybe for once, I should deceive you like this,

a touch, a kiss and then running towards the bliss.

running to a road with no end;

the two of us, strangers that are condemned.

♠♥Haunted Memories♣♦

What’s your fade memory? Tell me a story on how you became so timid and uncomfortable with the outside world? I want to know the scars of yours and the pain that they inflicted on your soul? Was it too difficult to swallow poison and then live with it your whole life? Too young to understand the love you were receiving?

Tell me your story. I want to know the darkest thoughts of your soul when everyone was pushing you from the cliff. What were you thinking back then? Was it relief or grief?

Tell me. Why were you so vulnerable when your sub-conscious is so strong? You had the power within yet you paved yourself so others could step on you; without getting mud on their shoes.

How about the tears? Were they warm when they leaked through your face whenever they taunted and offended you? Or were they cold because you were already used to it?

Tell me please. I want to know your story. I want to know the story of your life. What happened that you turned so cold and distance?

Sigh. “You don’t need to go too far to understand my pain. It is a work of ages. Despair has been piling and filling every corner of my body. It has swallowed my brain and my heart. I am you. I know how you feel. I know how you think. I am every single one of you, without being you.”

I don’t understand. How can you be me?

Smile. “Sit down for the story begins right now; the story of a trivial girl who never felt like she belonged to the universe.”

How can that be? Surely you must feel something. It is impossible to feel so void and empty, yet here you are?

Sad. “Here I am? Are you sure about that? Illusion is a concept that the human mind has yet not discovered. I am here yet I could be there. I am the past, the future and the present. I am me yet I am you. You see, it is all about perception and being open minded.”

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Laughing. “You are funny little child.”

My heart is swelling. Please, please I want to know the story of yours.

“There is nothing special about me though. I am just a passer of time and so are you. It is impossible to sign footprints on the universe for everything is just an illusion; illusion of time, dear child.”

“It is an illusion. The story I am about to tell you right now, is happening somewhere else we don’t know about. So should I use present tense or past tense? But perhaps this story is going to change the future so should we really tell it, knowing that everything we know might change our direction?”

Yes, it doesn’t matter if it is past or present. I want to know a story, YOUR story. And I would not even care that in the future I might not even exist for I had the pleasure of knowing you, meeting you and more importantly BEING you.

Smirk. “You are catching along I see. Well then you know the risk of this story so do not blame me for the consequences of your existence.”

Finally you agreed to do it.

“Shush now for the story begins right now.”

“It begins in your sleep. It begins with you sleeping uncomfortably, tossing and turning all around. It begins with you and your nightmares. It begins like this….”

Night is the blotting paper for many sorrows

Sat on a fancy leather chair, a crystal glass playing between my fingers.The bitter taste devouring my entire being.The cold frisky weather whispering words that are not understood.The light yet perishing feeling elects through the cloudy moonless night.Or is there a crescent moon that is hidden in the darkness of unknown.Yet sat in the lonely hours with alcohol companying me.A book befriending me,calling and asking to be opened and read.Leave me alone! Can’t they see the pain lingering and possessing me.I forgot that they can’t feel,books can only make you feel.
      Sat alone in these lonely hours in front of the fireplace warming up my heart,hands and feet.But why is there I still feel cold.Is this normal? That’s the only thing illuminating this place and I’m craving for light right now,for darkness is swallowing me up.
     A little  hand patting my shoulder as I sit in these lonely dark hours with a stainless glass playing between my fingers.Please do  remove it,it’s hurting me.The tremble fingers making circles behind my back,assuring me that everything will be okay,when it’s not.I’m standing in thorns,pointing daggers down my feet.There is said to be a thin line between good and evil and I’m standing there while the angel and demon pull,till my arms fall off.The hottest place in Hell is reserved for who,in moral crisis stand in the middle.And for sure Hell is waiting,screaming my name.There’s a place reserved right next to the devil himself.Suddenly why is it so hot in here? Why is my skin burning like a volcano erupted.There’s this tingle electrifying my skin.A black hole has opened and tears my heart apart.Look at it now,all wrecked and damaged with no warmth or fire to heat it up.Look at me now all cold and hopeless watching the crescent moon hiding in the unknown darkness.No fire,no moon,just the breezy wind calling my name.A door suddenly opens and a faceless man calmly retorts “Abandon all hope,yee who enter”.it looked alluring as I stepped inside a devilish path.”Sit” I do.

      I sit on a fancy leather chair, a crystal glass playing between my fingers.This time with someone else accompanying me in these lonely hours.

Love Yourself

I often go by the nice, a total sweetheart and lovable girl. But most of the time I go by the cold and heartless b.itch. Call me a pathetic, two-faced girl all you want yet people never resent me. Why? Because I give them what they desire mostly. Their deepest emotions, I portray. I give them the galaxy in their hands Only to be taken away in a swift of the moment. That is where I find most pleasure. It is that part of the relationship that fills me with raw emotions that I crave for. I love it when they crumble down mentally and physically asking for me to give them more.

You see darling I am not a cigarette for you to crush once you are finished. I am heroine. The pure kind. Where you keep asking for more till the day it consumes you.

I am what you need. But you are not what I need. Keep that in mind.