Migjeni

Ka do dit
që po shof fare mirë
se si nga vuejtja syt po më madhohen,
nepër ball dhe ftyrë rrudhat po më shtohen
e si buzqeshja m’asht e hidhun…
… dhe po ndij
se si mëngjeset e mia
nukjanë ma mëngjese hovi e pune,
as ndërtimi, por të shtymt dita më ditë
e një jete që s’durohet.
Dalngadalë po shof
si jeta një nga një
secilin ndjesi
me tradhti
po ma vulos
dhe s’po më mbetë asgja
që me u nda
si shej gëzimi,
përpara
nuk e dishe, ojetë,
se kaq i tmerrtë
asht grushti i yt
që mbyt
pa mëshirë.
Por kot
në pasqyrë po shof
se si nga vuejtja syt po më madhohen
nëpër ballë dhe në ftyrë rrudhat po më shtohen,
dhe shpejt do të bahem
flamur i vjetruem
i rreckuem
ndërluftat e jetës.

Koment:

Poezia “Vuajtje” perfshihet tek Kenget e Fundit te veprimtarise se Migjenit.Ne periudhen e fundit te jetes se tij,ai realizoi dhe madheshtine si nje nga poetet moderne shqiptare me me vlera dhe talent. Migjeni shprehu pakenaqesite e tij rreth realitetit shoqeror te asaj kohe. Dha pamje tronditese, te klasave te shtypura dhe te shfrytezuara.  Tema kryesore e Migjenit ishte MJERIMI, i cili eshte pershkruar dhe paraqitur ne menyren me realiste te mundshme. Duke shfryre dhimbjen qe i jep mjerimi, autori pershkruan figura, njerez dhe ngjarje te mberthyera nga nje trishtim I thelle. Me ane te hiperbolave dhe groteskut Migjeni pershkruan perfaqesuesit e klasave te pasura dhe shfrytezuese.

Ai, mjerimin dhe skamjen, nuk e sheh ne anen siperfaqesore, po e shikon ne te gjitha aspektet, ne ate fizik, shpirteror, moral e shoqeror.

Karakteristike e poezive te Migjenit eshte dhe perdorimi I metaforave, epiteteve, ironise, antitezave dhe hiperboles.

Kanget e fundit: Mbahen si poezite me te fuqishme te Migjenit, te shkruara kur poeti po lengonte rende nga semundja. Ato nuk jane me shprehje te jetes, por pershkrim I ngadalshem I vdekjes. Vete titujt e vjershave: Nje nate pa gjume, Vuejtja, Frymezim’ I pafat, Kanga qe s’kuptohet, Vetmia, Nen flamujt e melankolise japin poetikisht shkallet e renies se poetit.

Nese ne fillimet e tij ai nisi me jeten plot gjalleri e passion,ne fund ai na tregoi se cdo gjeje I vjen fundi,qofte heret apo vone, te gjitheve ne na pret ajo rruge e erret te cilen e bejme vetem.Vetmia nuk vjen nga mungesa e njerezve rreth teje,por nga pamundesia e komunikimit te gjerave te rendesishme per ty.Migjeni ndoshta ka pasur plot miqesi duke qene nje nga gjenite e kohes,vuejtja per te mund te jete ndryshe nga cfare perceptojme ne.Ndoshta ne castet e fundit te jetes ai mund te kete qene I rrethuar nga shume shoke.Ndoshta gjeja me e keqe ne bote nuk eshte te jesh I vetem.Gjeja me e tmerrshme eshte te perfundosh me njerez qe te bejne te ndihesh vetem.Ndoshta nje here ne jeten tone e kemi perjetuar kete ndjenje ku ndihesh bosh,me nje ndjesi te zymte e cila e ndrydh stomakun dhe e ben zemren te pikelloje.Akoma nuk e kupton se cfare te shqeteson kur gjendesh e rrethuar nga dhjetera pale sy.Flet shume,pastaj sikur ndrydhesh  tek e kupton se nuk po e kuptojne boten tende,me pas flet me ze te ulet si pipetime derisa goja qepet.E kupton se nuk gjendesh me rehat.Jo vetem qe nuk ndihesh mire por ndihesh edhe jo I deshiruar ne ate grup.Minutat duken si ore,dhe oret si pafundesi dhe mezi pret te largoshesh ne ate qetesine dhe paqen tende.Mbyllur ne nje dhome gjysme te erret,me nje stilolaps te zi nder gishta dhe nje flete te bardhe e cila ndotet nga mendimet e turbullta.

E dita vjen perseri, e celur plot drite dhe harmoni.Ngrihesh e ngrysur,syte e zmadhuar,rrudhat varen mbi fytyre edhe pse ne kulmin e rinise,buzeqeshja me e hidhur se ajo kafeja e mengjesit e cila ta shtremberon fytyren.Ne ate mengjes plot drite shikon te tjeret te pa prekur nga ajo qe te shqeteson ty.Ndoshta akoma se kane kuptuar sepse vazhdon akoma te buzeqeshesh.Por si nuk e kuptojne se ajo buzeqeshje mban terror Brenda?Si nuk e shohin se nuk qesh me sy,sepse ato sy kane pare makthe,varferi dhe skamje?Si nuk e kane vezhguar akoma se syte e shkruar tashme jane kthyer ne te zeze bloze?Si nuk e kane kuptuar akoma se ditet e jetes shtyhen me zor? Dhe ato dite rendojne sikur po terheq tone me gur.Mos valle jam vetem une? Hap syte i lodhur rreth e rrotull dhe shikoj njerez te lumtur dhe mendoj se  une cfare kam  gabim.Pse une nuk mund te jem si ata? Kjo jete e poshter dhe me mundime qe syte po mi zmadhon dhe ballin po ma rrudhos dhe buzeqeshjen po ma hidheron.Kjo jete e cila po me tradheton dhe me vule te nxehte po shtyp cdo ndjesi qe kam perjetuar.Dalengadale po me largon lumturine,mendimet,shoket,fuqine per te vazhduar perpara.shtyp duke krijuar plage mbi kete zemer te shkrete dhe te rreckosur qe me s’mban.Pse jete me tradhetove dhe mi more te gjitha pa me paralajmeruar.Nuk me mbeti asgje per tu ndare si shenje gezimi,dhoma eshte bosh,une ndihem bosh dhe I zhveshur perpara teje.Jete ,nuk e dije se grushti yt ishte kaq I tmerrte? Shikoji keto plage dhe te vrara mbi trup, o jete. Te lutem jete, hiqe ate dore mbi fytin tim qe po me mbyt pa meshire e po me le pa fryme.Si nuk gjendet askush qe te me cliroje nga keto dhimbje qe kjo jete po me shkakton.Pse eshte kaq e ftohte kjo bote sa nuk kthen syte nga ai I mjeri? Mos valle eshte e veshtire te japesh nje dore per te ndihmuar? Nuk kane degjuar se bashkimi ben fuqine,o jete e mjere qe njerezimin po e ben te vuaj.Kjo vuajtje qe ka thithur cdo lumturi dhe shprese.E ka shtrenguar kaq shume sa eshte bere a pashtyeshme per kete jete.Kjo vuajtje qe mendjet e zemrat ka kapluar.Nuk shikon me qeshje plot jete, por thjesht hidherime te ftohta e te acarta qe zemrat ka prekur.Kjo vuajtje qe ngrihet ne mes te megjesit e cila me kthetrat e saj ne fytin tim cjerr veten ne nje zhurme mbytese.Dhimbja behet e pashtyeshme dhe aty nuk gjendet askush,pervec gjakut qe rrjedh pika- pika.Une jam vetem me vuajtjen qe po me gelltit per se gjalli. Vetem ne nje rruge si nje dallendyshe e vetmuar ne shi.I lodhur duke mos pasur asnje prane qe te ndaje te njejtat emocione,ide dhe mendime si une.Por me se shumti jam I lodhur nga njerezit qe sillen ne menyre brutale me njeri-tjetrin.Jam I lodhur nga gjithe kjo dhimbje qe shikoj e degjoj ne bote cdo dite.Ka kaq shume.Eshte si nje cope qelqi ne mendjen time gjithe keto kohe.A mund ta kuptosh?

Nje mije here ne vdesim ne nje jete.Ne therrmohemi,thyhemi,dhe grisemi deri sa shtresat e iluzionit jane djegur dhe ajo cfare ka mbetur,eshte e verteta se kush dhe cfare jemi ne te vertete. Ai qe kam mbetur une tani eshte thjesht nje trup I mbushur me kocka,me sy te zmadhuar,dhe ball te rrudhur.Diten e lindjes,vdekja vazhdoi rrugetimin e saj.Po ecen drejt meje,por pa nxitim.Po pret momentin sepse cdo shpirt do te shijoje vdekjen.Ne kete lufte te tmerrshme te jetes,ndihem si ai flamuri qe ne fillim te luftes mbahet siper dhe valevitet si shenje krenarie ndersa ne fund gjendet i rreckosur me pluhur e balte,i grisur nga betejat e jetes.

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Memories from the past

Disclaimer: So to anyone who knows the author in real life and reads these psychologically and emotionally disturbed stories, please, please, do not think that she suffers from it. Really, she is just writing and that’s it; do not jump to freaking conclusions. Peace out!🤘🏻

It was dark.

And I don’t know if it was the rain or my falling tears as I kept running towards nothing. But I knew I was going somewhere. My head was exploding and blasting like a bomb was put inside me. The pain intolerable; but I still kept walking through the bustling city streets.

I was sober, I swear I was but why it felt like alcohol had washed my stomach and had started to revoke all way up my throat? My ribs hurt from all the contraction and my mouth felt like it was covered in mucus. What was going on?

I knew that people were giving me strange looks by now, but I didn’t care. I had to reach the destination of nothing. Something will be there for sure. I know that someone is waiting for me there.

As I looked at my naked feet, they had formed blisters and were covered in blood. Maybe I should have paid attention when I passed through the bushes. But they will heal when I reach nothing, won’t they?

My arms hurt the most to be honest. They were sore and not a single energy passed through them. Even if I lifted weights, they would not be so weak. But at least they were still white as snow, despite the darkness had swallowed whole.

A random stranger asked me if I was okay, so nice of him to show gratitude towards someone like me. But he quickly left without hearing my response. I only pushed the hair out of my face so I could get a clearer look out of this kind stranger but he ran faster than me.

Was there a broccoli stuck between my teeth and he did not want me to feel bad about it?

I continued to run towards my goal, the nothingness. I was bound to reach it, even if it was the last thing I do.

But the rain made it almost impossible for me to reach my eternal goal. It was grazing my skin and forming blotches; almost burning me but I still kept crawling toward a road to no end. By morning I’ll be there for sure- that’s what I kept telling myself. Of course, deep down I knew that I was wrong. Hope dies last, doesn’t it?

As I kept walking I was halted by bright lights coming from a warm and cozy cafe beside me. The pastries almost winked at me and the comfort radiating from that place was calling my name. Will I be allowed to go in? I don’t have any money with me and this place looks classy. After all my clothes are all ragged and my feet are bloodied. Should I have dressed in something more flashy before I left home? I am sure that I had a dress saved up for special occasions.

“Oh, I know that girl” words escaped my lips before I registered them in my brain. But I definitely knew this girl. Wah she turned out fine! She was such a klutz in high school. I remember that she was a sucker for everything and a total dreamer but apparently that worked for her. She really does look nice.

And seeing her right now, dressed in designer clothes, standing in front of a handsome man, really makes me look pathetic. I shouldn’t interrupt them.

“Isn’t she pretty? I used to be like that too but you know what happened.” I told him and he hugged me tightly. No matter what, I always have this person by my side. He protects me from everything.

“What do you think you’re doing?” a voice interrupted my train of thoughts and I would have ignored it if he didn’t call my name “Lori you should have never left home. The nurses are searching heaven and hell for you.”

It was my angel, Gabriel. He always stands by my side whenever I feel dull. “I want to drink coffee” and pointed at the glassy window while grinning widely. “I was just telling him that a classmate of mine is here.”

But Gabriel gave me a look I haven’t seen before and quickly grabbed my arm and started pulling me from where I came from; but I’ll never go back.

“Let me go Gabriel, my friend is worried about me.” I kept pushing him but he was too strong.

Suddenly Gabriel stopped and turned around to face me “What friend Lori? There is no one here, besides the coffee shop was empty. You are hallucinating things.” He yelled at me. He never did this before and I was getting scared.

“Can’t you see him? He is standing near me.” Surprised I stared at my friend and then back at Gabriel. How can he not notice my friend?

But Gabriel just sighed and rubbed his face abruptly “NO, I can’t see him so let’s go now.” and started to grab my hand once again but I pulled back.

“You don’t notice him” my feelings were hurt and I refused to be with someone that disrespected my friend. “We won’t leave if you don’t apologise to him. He has been nothing but nice to me when you weren’t here.”

“Lori, come on, don’t do this. There is no one there” I could sense that his nerves were in a ruckus right now but I don’t care.

Crossing my arms in front of my chest, I frowned “Do you really… not see my pain, my ego, my greed and evil thoughts building up eroding me from inside?” My throat started to feel itchy and eyes stinging but my heart hurt the most. “I’m slowly dying Gabriel and your all-seeing-eye can’t notice what is going on inside me.” He took a step forward and I noticed his scared expression. He was afraid I’d do something and explode but I was too tired for that; my energy had run low.

“Do you really not see that person. It is right here” I pointed at my head. It was hidden deep inside my brain; rested there and occasionally exploded under threatening conditions.

“Lori,” He called but now even my heart was hurt. Gabriel cannot understand me either. “We should go back, if you keep doing this you’ll only keep damaging yourself.”

I chuckled dryly “Ah, so instead I should just bottle it up and move on like nothing ever happened.” tears that had escaped my eyes, I quickly erased them. “Like I always do”

‘That’s not what I meant”

“Do you know why I don’t have any eyes Gabriel?” I mentioned and could notice his entire face washed up, afraid that I touched this topic.

“You ended up in an accident” he meekly responded, voice so low that I could barely hear it.

Quickly I shook my head laughing “No, I gave them to people I treasured. Because that is what you do when you love people; you take something from yourself and give to the other, so that person can be happy.”

“Same goes with one of my kidneys, my liver, bone marrow, blood. I gave up literally pieces of me so everyone could be happy. I even gave up on the single thing I treasured the most just so my friends lived in peace. You probably guessed what? But hey, at least those bastards were satisfied in the end”

Gabriel immediately covered his mouth with his hand and I could hear the muffled sobbing escape from him. He knew but not to this extent. “Lori I’m so sorry” swiftly, his entire body hugged mine and his warmth brought a sense of comfort to my soul.

“Why are you sorry Gabriel. It wasn’t you who did this to me. I did this to me. I don’t need your pity or empathy, it’s pathetic actually.”

“No, I should have stopped you from doing that. I should have protected you from everyone. I failed at my only job” His tears soaked my sleeping gown and I almost felt a sense of humanity inside me.

I hugged him back out of respect “I’m not going back” I whispered into his ear and pushed him back, despite him clinging onto me “That greed is resurfacing and has already infected my whole system. I can’t go back even if I wanted to. Those pieces of me are calling back and I’m not leaving them hanging.”

“Lori, please. I understand where this is coming from but make peace with yourself. What’s broken will never heal? Never run towards something that is damaged.”

“That’s why stop chasing me. That envy is not bad I swear. I don’t plan to do something I’ll regret in the future. I’ll just take what’s lawfully mine”

“Then how do you plan to take your innocence back?” his voice had become more stern and controlling. As if he was more mad than I was. With a little push he would jump on the same pool of greed I did.

“Innocence, my a.ss. I’m worried that if I told you what had really happened you’ll be more hurt than I am.”

I don’t want to brag or anything, because in this condition I am you probably won’t believe me; but once upon a time I was the girl next door. The friend that everyone wanted to have by their side, the girlfriend that boys adored and child that all parents loved. But mostly I thought of myself as selfless. It felt like my entire being was dedicated to help everyone, please everyone but that in itself was selfish. I only did that to boost my self-conscience. As long as I made people happy, I was fulfilled because they all liked me.

How could I know that it is impossible to make everyone adore and love you? I was innocent after all. So when I learnt that everyone had used me for their gruesome intentions I lost it. Especially that one so-called friend drinking coffee with her boyfriend.

It must feel nice to be clean and cut when I took all the hit. Ah, but how could I forget that she had planned the kidnap all along? She pretended to be hurt, because she knew, oh how she knew that I would jump trains, move mountains to heal others and she used this weakness of mine for her benefits. I hope you choke on that coffee and wish you never find any pleasure in either worlds. I want you to suffer by my side and pull your roots regretting what you did to me. I live for that day.

“Let it go Lori” Gabriel took my head in his hands and looked directly in my face, or so I think. I can’t see, they made me blind. “You think that they will get away for what they did to you? I guarantee that not only will they suffer, but they will suffer along with interest. What I care in this bloodied world is only you and you. I don’t want you to suffer anymore rather than live happily ever after.” He paused and embraced me in his arms tightly “With me”

My heart stopped for the first time in my life and I was afraid to even move a muscle, afraid that he might move too. What was happening to me? What are these new, profound feelings I’m having? I can’t explain what I feel.

“First thing in the morning I’ll file a form for your release and after that I’ll take care of you for the rest of our lives and beyond. You belong to me from now on, you hear that. So smile and be happy, because I plan to bug you forever, how does that sound?” He laughed and I swear I was hearing the sound of Heavens. For the first time I could see myself letting it all go and move on with him, and for some reason I let go the first time he smiled at me.

“I love you Lori”

 

 

Can’t take my eyes off of you

Disclaimer: Since there are people who know me irl, I have to clarify this so we don’t have any misconceptions in the future. All of my writings are fictional(believe me, my life is not that interesting as my creative mind). The characters are all mine, while pics and videos if shown, will be credited to its respective owner. But it’s ALL FICTIONAL, unfortunately. That’s it folks, go on with the story.

“Please sign here and here, and we will inform you when your loan is ready.”

It had become part of my routine, every day I had to deal with clients asking for loans, closing accounts, opening them, renewing contracts. Watching how the market interest and stocks fluctuated, making decision and most of all dealing with customers. And this was only half of my job.

“Hey Eden, I’v been invited to my friend’s barbecue party for the 4th of July. She said to bring a friend-Wanna come?” one of my colleagues rolled near me and whispered while I was finishing a deal with a customer. She was always such an extrovert and wanted to pull me out of my shell all the time.

“Why not? Seems like fun.” I paused typing on the computer and faced her “Text me the address. I’d like to come on my own.”

She pretended to be shocked by me agreeing so fast that the customer looked at her like she was crazy. “Great! She has a huge woody mansion on the countryside. It’s going to be so much fun” she squealed like a teenage girl, earning yet again a crazy look from the old couple in front of me.

\\\\\\\\\\\

“You could pass for a Victoria Secret model, why don’t you dress like this at work? Do you know how many men would line up at your place?” Michaela, the friend, kept exaggerating since we came here. And all I did was put on a dress I had bought two years ago. But that was her personality, I couldn’t change it. It actually boosted up my self-esteem- a bit, okay a lot.

“Point made. I would actually have more work to do, so no thanks.” I brushed it off as we entered through the long driveway. Her friend must be loaded.

“I know what you are thinking. Her dad is mad magnate while her mom is a senator and her big brother is a CEO at a really famous company. They pretty much are a money magnet. But you’ll be surprised how humble they are.” as if she read my mind, Michaela started explaining to me her friend’s family tree. Which is pretty cool considering the fact that today’s economy is in a depression.

“Can I have their luck please?” I joked, making Michaela laugh out loud and nudging my shoulder.

“Her older brother is the same age as us and is single” she winked at me “Just saying”

“Yah, you know I’m not like that. I’d be more pleased to make my own money. Beside men like him have every girl for each day of the week. I don’t want to be one of his girls, you know me.”

But that caused her only to smirk, making no more comments to my statement and that was fishy, I guess. She was never this quiet.

“Aylin, how are you? Last time I saw you was last Christmas. Where did you get lost?” Michaela hollered at the host of the party. She was so pretty. Her olive skin and legs straighter than a pole were an absolute killer. And I don’t know why but she gave me a really warm aura but also a feeling that I’ve seen her before.

“I have been exchanging schools all year, you know me. I need new environments every month.” She joked and they both hugged dearly. “Whose your friend, Ella? Come one in, honey” she finally noticed me and embraced me in a hug in no time. So fast that I was actually surprised- I’m a fan of skinships.

“She’s my friend from work. You’ll see that she is the most wonderful being I’ve come to work with” Michaela again exaggerated, making me blush, nonetheless.

The girl stared at me for a long time while squinting her eyes “I swear I’ve seen you before.” Oh, she had the same feeling as me. However I don’t remind having any friends whose parents made more money per month than what I did through the entire year.

The party had just started and almost everyone were new to me. Michaela was lost in another group while I was left alone.

The backyard was a beauty. There was a lake, a boat tied to the dock and from afar swans and ducks were visible. I could live here for the rest of my life.

The music was blasting and people were really hitting it off, but dancing and crowds were and will never be my thing. And seeing that everyone was engrossed together I decided to tour myself around this huge estate.

The interior of the house was perfect. There was nothing I would change to it. So luxurious and yet warm, it made me wonder why they don’t live here but prefer apartments and the city.

I had seen almost every room in the first floor so I decided to go upstairs but I suddenly heard a male voice calling for a maid that I immediately rushed outside to find Michaela. “That was such an embarrassment” I spoke to myself, drinking water to calm down. Imagine if had seen me; he would think that I was a creep.

I tried to call for Michaela but it was to no use. The music was too loud for her to hear. So being the introvert I am, I went near the dock and sat down on one of the chairs they had put there. “Come here little duckie” I did that voice you do when you talk to kids-yeah I know, it’s lame.

Some of the ducks had gathered around where I was, hoping to catch the bread crumbs I was throwing at them. This was so relaxing. I hadn’t felt like this in years.

“Hasn’t anyone told you to not feed the animals without permission?” a voice startled me and I almost fell inside the lake. That would’ve been terrible- and embarrassing.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know” I mumbled, afraid to face the man from utter humiliation. I gathered my things and with my head down, I tried to leave as soon as possible.

“Nuh-uh, this is a punishment since you never did lend my your chemistry homework.” he suddenly said and for a moment I was confused.

Chemistry- homework? What?

So I finally decided to look at this guy and when I did- boy was I in for some shock. “Martin? What are you doing here?” I straightened up and fixed my appearance.

He used to be my classmate through the entire middle school. Nice guy, a little conceited but seeing we were in puberty stage he was alright. He was definitely shorter than me but boy did this puberty hit him well. He looked… nice and… handsome.

“Considering that this is my house, I guess you could figure out the rest” he threw another bomb at me, while casually giving me a warm smile. Why hadn’t I noticed this before.

But that’s where it hit me, I’d seen his sister during parents-teachers meeting. I never knew he was rich to be honest. He never sold himself to be one.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe I ran up to you like this.” I did not know what to say- I’m being completely honest. Like I never expected this to happen

He looked down, still smiling warmly at me “Well” he paused and locked eyes with me. I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my whole life “Let’s call it Luck then.”

To be honest he was your average guy in middle school, handsome, athletic but was overshadowed by his friend. Who- to be honest- was a jerk and a show off, yet the girls were head over heels for him. It was stupid. I met him last year I think and he had only become worse. Contrary to Martin  though, he looks really good.

He started making his way to me, one hand in his dress pants, the other loosening up his tie. I was starting to get nervous and sweaty. Why was I feeling like a teenager once again? God, was this stupid? I mean, I know all this guy’s habits but why had a tension built up between us?

He was standing inches away from me and my heart started doing some cataclysmic beats- I could feel all my blood rushing to my brain and cheeks. Ah, this was so embarrassing “What is it?” I stuttered, he smiled at me again, while I wondered what he was doing.

Martin raised his hand and pulled a thin, leafy twig out of my hair from where I was sitting before, and threw it on the ground. “Your hair hasn’t changed at all. Still untamed as ever.” He kept smiling at me, making me uncomfortable but not as much as what he said next “I hope just like its owner”

“Uh-” I meekly responded, dropping my IQ to a two numbered one. I shut my eyes tightly, cursing myself for being so clumsy.

“Well you know me. Career comes first” I suddenly disrupted, surprising myself and him. It was so uncultured and you could see my hysterical breakdowns from a mile away.

I bit the inside of my lip and smiled shyly at him, while he kept staring at me like was seeing me for the first time. Well actually that makes sense since it has been like ten years since 9th grade.

Seeing as he wasn’t speaking anymore, just staring; I decided to leave… for good.

“Nice meeting you. I’m glad that you’re doing okay” I smiled brightly and made my way only to be halted by him. I looked down and my wrist was in his hand; gripped tightly yet gently. OMG! Are these butterflies I’m feeling?

“Where are you going? You have a punishment to redeem. You always gave the homework to everyone but rarely to me. Why was that? Don’t tell me that you hated me?” There was sadness in his eyes when he said that and for a moment I felt bad.

“You must’ve misunderstood me. I never did hate you. I just thought you were smart enough to do it on your own.” I replied

“Bull.shit” He exclaimed, still not letting go of my hand “I wasn’t the smartest guy on the room. You even helped him and not me. Did you have a crush on him too?”

“I’d be an idiot to do such thing and you know that. If anything I was more comfortable with you than him. I hope you recall that.” I looked down on the well cut grass before locking eyes with him again “Remember that time when we were stuck inside the classroom?” I never thought I would ever bring that up ever again but I felt like I needed to assure him for something I don’t know. Why was I doing all of this?

I noticed how he blushed too and smiled at his cuteness “You still remember that?”

“I’d be damned if I didn’t. You helped me conquer a lot of things that night and I’m forever grateful to you.” I started to get closer to him, absent-mindedly; he didn’t seem to mind. “But…”

“There’s always a but” He sadly smiled while not breaking eye contact with me

“But you always let him overshadow you. I never got why you did that when you were just as talented as he were. You even let me in his hands and I don’t know if you did that to test me or was that of a loyal friends but I felt like sh.it that day.”

“I just thought that I would never be good enough for you Eden. You were smart, pretty, nice and I was just another guy who loved you.” I don’t know if he noticed it, but the distance between us was narrowing and for once I didn’t mind.

His grip on my loosened just a bit so that our hands interlocked. “Well, you should’ve said that you are filthy rich. I would’ve come in no time” I joked and hit his shoulder playfully.  “Jokes aside, I guess it’s partly my fault for not going open about my feelings but you understood. I wasn’t ready and relationships were not my priority till college to be honest.”

He laughed while nodding his head lightly “I know, I know that’s why when I took a glance at you right now I already knew that you were still single, that’s why I waited also. I could not see myself with anyone else beside you and your snarky remarks. That sass of yours was a killer.”

“We don’t talk about that anymore. And can you please stop staring at me like that, you’re putting me under pressure.”

“What to do though? I can’t take my eyes off of you.” without missing a heartbeat he hollered back and started leaning in.

“This would be the second, if I’m not mistaken” he whispered and his minty breath fanned over my face. So close…

My cheeks started getting redder, my heart beat speeding up, adrenaline doing its thing. I just couldn’t believe this was happening again.

“Eden, come on, desserts are being given to us” someone shouted my name and the whole moment was ruined.

“Guess we’ll have to leave it for another time” He seductively said and winked at me.

This guy.

 

 

Requiem for love

Every now and then, when I least expect it, my heart starts to flutter and my cheeks start to warm up whenever I see him.

Be it through  picture on his social medias or even when we randomly see each other in foreign countries, makes my heart skip a beat.

I took a flight to Switzerland today because the weather was nice and because for some reason I really needed the fresh air that country provides. To my surprise I hear whispers between girls saying how hot was that guy in a track suit. He was so tall and had such a model physique but his eyes were what caught everyone’s attention.

To me, of course, it didn’t matter. My heart was already sealed to you, however I couldn’t help but look where everyone was pointing and that’s where my heart stopped. It was you. The fact that we were less then 20 meters apart from each other made my weak heart start galloping and my eardrums beating; making me absolutely deaf from hearing the outside world.

Blurry. Everything was blurry, except for your figure that stood proud while drinking your morning coffee. My hands started shaking and I already knew that I had become pale like a ghost. But you were irresistible.

I wonder if you had noticed as I took quick glimpses to where you were standing but you were too busy discussing your matters with one of your managers. To say that I was exhilarating from having you so near me, made me warm. I have been having feelings like never before. It was then, when I knew that no matter what happens, no matter how many lives pass by; I will always love you.

I ordered my coffee too and sat down in a corner where I could see you but you couldn’t. I don’t know why, but I was really hoping that you would catch me, but that was impossible. You don’t even know who I am, let alone have you stare at my awkward figure.

There you were, chatting with the ones around you. And I couldn’t help but admire the movement that your mouth made as you spoke. I got lost and it was your fault. But…

There will always be a but. A gorgeous lady walked right besides me and sat near you, casually touching your shoulder affectionally. And I didn’t know why, but that mere gesture made me spill my coffee on the table.

Why did you let her touch you so intimately?

Tears started to spill from my eyes, wondering how many ladies act like that? Probably a lot and everywhere you go. Sure such a handsome guy like you must attract awfully many of beautiful ladies. But why can’t my heart accept that? Why am I still so hung up on you that it doesn’t let me move on with my life?

I apologised to the waiter for messing it up and made my way towards the exit. My heart started beating erratically as I passed by you and your group of friends. My cheeks turned red and my hands were shaking.

One chance.

One Fate.

That is all I was asking for. A chance for you to notice me. But for the last time I inhaled that scent of yours I already knew that this was the last time I would run up to you like that. Only God knows how much it ached, how many tears I spilled for you, how many nights I would clutch my skin praying to Him for a miracle. But it was all in vain.

You will never know me and I am wasting my life like this.

With the last glimpse towards you I opened the door and closed it for good.

********************

I am doing better now. I have a wonderful job.

After closing all the possible medias that spoke about you, I redirected my entire energy into doing better. So it happened. I became really good at what I love and finally was promoted in London. My dream job.

It didn’t last long though.

After three months of working there, I was told that I had to take care of a new client’s investment. That is my job after all.

So would you guess who was this client? No other but You. You, the one I had been dreaming since a teenager, was sitting in front of me, waiting for a consultation.

I tried to act as much as a professional would act but could I really do that?

I messed up my first sentence, that was Hello and welcome to X consultant group.

You laughed and that made my heart swell. Even though you were laughing at my mistake.

“Do I know you? You look familiar.” I had the chance to listen to your voice for the first time. You were so adorable and all the pent up love I had for you drowned me once again.

“N-no I don’t think so.” I replied as I hid my face from utter embarrassment.

“Nuh-uh, aren’t you that girl who spilled that coffee in Switzerland. I never forgot your curls and shy smile. You haven’t changed a bit.”

I stopped functioning and stared at him the whole time.

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Galaxies among us

The people who read,write and listen to soul music are the ones who can actually change this world. Because they have built this illusion inside their galaxy minds and their beliefs and dreams can revolutionise this land into a fantasy paradise. While linking hand in hand, step by step they turn an ugly stone into a precious gem like true alchemists.
Their thoughts are so exquisite and with an incalculable value like a incandescent Antarctica sun rays tormented by people’s prejudices. These innovations beam with power and strength spinning the world 360° for best only to be overthrown by thee. The rest of the world has a dim mind that cannot decipher these ideas. For art thou shalt not this earth incarnate. For is people like you who shatter these luminosity. Like is said these humanist are the summer in Antarctica. They illumine for days only to be overpowered by the darkness. And is there when you realise that no matter how pure your soul is there will always be dirt splattering and demolishing the serenity.

Winter’s flower

It was a lonely January night where the clock stroke exactly eleven p.m and the storm had engulfed the entire city; leaving her house plain dark. It was scary being alone in a big mansion where the only soul that loiters around here is an almost ghost. Not fully a human but definitely not a ghost. A Dead in the living world; that was her.

Not afraid of the darkness surrounding her, Lori started wandering around the big space everyone calls home. But not to her; this place was a mere stationary building that Lori has decided to rest, for maybe 70 years from now. But it was far from home. Because is home really a place? If so, isn’t that too superficial and egoistical of us; calling an object our home?

That is why Lori referred to it as a station and not colouring it with emotions and liveliness  , it does not deserved to be called such.

“Why do I feel so lonely today?” she sighed as she sat at the majestic stairs in the middle of the house “Why does my heart hurt and why do I feel like ripping it apart?” to her it didn’t make any sense. After all to her, heart is just an organ whose job is to pump blood. Tonight she is drowning in it.

What was worse is that she didn’t know why she was feeling gloomy. Was it because of a scorned lover, or because of the abandoned family or that bastard society living outside the gates? She did not know the reason but it was affecting her like never before.

A thunder clashed, whitening all the “station” and making Lori jump in fear. She hated thunders and lightening bolts were her phobia. “Maybe I should not have been such a prude and followed my morals. Maybe, just maybe I should’ve become a pray of the impurity and the unchastity of the world surrounding me” her voice was above a whisper not directed to anyone but herself.

She got up from the cold stairs and moved to the cold bedroom of hers. It was warm inside but her skin refused to inhale heat and absorb such delicacy and luxury inside her body. That is why everything seemed cold to her, especially her hands and feet; they were practically falling off.

Inside the lavish room was a majestic bed, untouched, and big windows that were continuously hit by the angry rain. “I can already feel it, the debauchery and shamelessness that has happened exactly in this spot.” a single tear rolled off her cheek as if to remind her of the decadence that has touched her in every single space of her. It was crystal clear wrapped by what is left of her innocence. It was all gone with the winter’s wind.

Memories started hitting her and the webs of misery started shedding of their poison and dust, making her remember and cough blood. “You are pure Lori, no matter what they say, you are pure and innocent and untouched by the monstrosity surrounding the humans mind. You are good, remember that” like a mantra, she kept repeating to herself. It was a small rope, helping her not fall into the depth of death and after that hell. It was a small hope keeping her alive and human. But how longer can it hold, the tight grip of hers was already thinning it out.

The rope started to weaken and despite Lori’s mantra, it broke down and with it, the girl also. To her surprise, she didn’t scream or cry in terror or anything to provoke her entire emotional being. It was something she expected to happen and that she would soon fall prey of the cage she build inside her mind.

It was empty and cold, just like she anticipated it would be; the cage, I mean. Four walls, no windows, no nothing, much like the ‘station’ she lives in. It was familiar and that is why she didn’t seem so frightened. After all it happens every once a month, by now she should be used to it. However every time, the cage changes. Last month for example, it was a jungle and other times it was a valley filled with daisies. This time however, decided to be a dark and lonely animal cage.

“You fell once again Lori. I’ve been thinking that you want to visit me in here” a lonely and deep voice took her attention and turned around to see the one speaking.

And when she finally saw who was there, immediately she started running into his arms “Gabriel, I’ve missed you.” it didn’t take much longer before she sobbed into his neck, letting it all out.

The boy hugged her even tighter and whispered calm words into her ear “It’s alright, baby. Did the storm scare you again? Or did the evil neighbours hurt your feelings yet again?” Gabriel kept asking and pet her head gently and soothingly. He liked it whenever Lori visited him. It made his wait bearable.

“No, I kept remembering the past. It haunts me” she breathed deeply this time, before speaking again “It’s terrible Gabriel. Why would they do that to me” inside his chest, she spoke calmly as his arms felt like home; a real home to her. “Why did they touch me when all I did was treat them nicely, like a human being, after all. Does that make sense?”

Knowing her heart inch by inch, Gabriel just sighed as he sucked her pain away from her. And he felt it, the remorse and impurity of her indulged deep inside her soul. They had left a scar, one that angels can’t heal. It takes only the soul to repair what’s been broken.

“There will be condemnation for them too, darling. You’ll see. Everything has a beginning and an end. It will soon come. Meanwhile try to listen to the tranquility of everything after the storm is over. Just like you have bore misery and calamity inside you, it will all calm down after it is over. Try to turn something bad into good; that is your power after all.” Gabriel smiled as he looked at her grey eyes that were so calming and peaceful, yet deep like the ocean.

Lori, now calmer than before, pulled him on the ground and rested their backs at the wall “I thank God every day that he sends me you Gabriel, or else I would really lose my mind.” she smiled and locked arms with him, resting her head at his shoulder “You are like a flower to me, but not during spring time. You are my winter flower that reminds me, despite the harsh and cold surrounding you find strength to bloom, and remind yourself to find sun in a place where it doesn’t shine.” she looked again at him and caught him trying to hide a smile but failed as his cheeks turned rosy. “Stay with me forever” she whispered.

Then she closed her eyes, finally finding balance with herself, letting her guards run loose; because she knew that if there is one person that will protect her form this ruthless world, is Gabriel. But it was impossible for an angel to live in the human world. They could only meet when the soul has run dry and she needs to escape from it,in order to survive

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and warmth veiled her skin. Lori woke up, with her heart at ease and looked around at the untouched room, this time however not alone.

Gasping, she saw another person beside her “Gabriel…”

 

The troubled sea

I often wonder who was the first one to suggest to go in the beach during summer?

Do people go because it is refreshing? It cools down the summer heat? They like the calmness of the sea, with its soft waves and the crystal reflection of the sun? Or maybe just to go into a crowded party with lots of music and alcohol and try to forget all the sad moments for a while under the blasting sound of hip-hop?

I was never fond of it.

Summer to me is more like taking a hike into the highest mountain and drink the freshest water of the pouring fountain. Summer to me means to sweat all your troubles by exhausting yourself in a place where the human foot has not yet been.

Why do people like getting burnt into the glazing sun and then suffer from skin diseases and infections that come along? It does not even make any sense. But maybe they strip down just to show their body, to attract the superficial humans who chase the trends.

If it were for me, I would go in the winter time, perhaps in December where the winter has just started. The sun is covered by the angry clouds and the wind howls into your ears. “War is about to happen” it whispers.

The sea is no where into being calm but it rages in fury; anger bottled up for so long, it needs somewhere to release. I fancy the sand that blinds my vision and enters my footwear begging to tag along.

But mostly I love the tranquility of the raging water who pounds itself into the shore so furiously only to retreat again; and then out of sudden it hits it again and again and again. It erodes the one holding it. It directs its anger into the innocent sand who has done no wrong to it.

And it reminds me of people; they tend to leash upon the one who is inferior to himself not the one superior for he is a coward.

And there are fools who think they can tame the beast, including myself, that actually take a jump into the unknown wanting to discover the one with many scars but many jewels hidden deep inside. I want to be the one to comfort the sad and lonely sea who is so troubled from the loneliness. I want to console her from the depression in her darkest days not only when she is beautiful during the summer nights. I want to be with her during the days she feels worthless and drowns into the darkest pits of uncertainty.

But it is not that simple. I can’t persuade her strong enough while showing her, her inner beauty that many thrive to see but are scared to. No, she thinks that she is not special enough to be with unless she hides her true nature and decides to be a trend follower. She is not convinced strongly enough but thinks that being what others want her to be is the only way to be loved. She thinks I am lying and that I don’t love her but oh how my heart leaks when she whispers these awful words.

I feel a hollowness in my chest when I see someone so beautifully flawless feel so timid and unloved. I wonder about those people who come during summer only to litter and trash her. Those who ruin and leave their marks on her with those dirty feet. I wonder about those who take pictures of themselves with their toned body but don’t realise that the only thing beautiful about that photo is the reflection of the sunset on the crystal surface of the sea. I wonder about those people who name themselves sea-lover but do not, even once, visit her when she is the most loneliest. ‘She is too vile and troubled. It’s too cold to go and visit her’. Isn’t it sad? That people are only reminded of you only in your happiest times? They only want to take advantage but once it’s over the only thing they leave behind is debris and waste. Pathetic!

But it isn’t over yet, another one joins the party. Just like a chain of hierarchy; the earth, the sea and the sky.

Thunders and lighting bolts clash, angering our devastated sea even more. She is being scolded in a time where she wants to be left alone.

It thunders the sky with terror, merciless; hitting the water and electrifying with even the slightest doubt for she is inferior to the almighty sky. And she lets him, for she she has convinced herself that it is entirely her fault for not being beautiful enough.

He shouts in the pouring rain; the sound deafens me. It’s strong enough to turn everything up side down.

In that eerie moment everything stops and I listen as it softens the tone. It is not hate but something righteously purifying. He, too, is mad at her. He is mad at the sea for letting others get to her. “Even if no one wants you, I am the only things you need.” the love pouring from him came in the form of sweet drizzle, washing away every negative source. He was crying

And I was stunned of a love so strong yet so platonic that I let myself free of everything. I wanted to  taste this form of nothing else but extraordinary. During the fall, the sea smiled; but it was me who was angry right now. Why can’t I have that type of love?

‘Deep inside you’ll find one of my precious pearls. He is your antinomy dear. He came from up there to be reminded that sometimes you need to be lost in the deepest route to find the one you’ve been waiting for.

You see water and air are nothing but trouble. A match made in hell. They are always in parallel, no time to meet ever again but somehow if you gaze from afar you’ll see the horizon. You will see that even though that is an illusion our hearts touch together to form something out of this world. Treasure it!”