Disclaimer: So to anyone who knows the author in real life and reads these psychologically and emotionally disturbed stories, please, please, do not think that she suffers from it. Really, she is just writing and that’s it; do not jump to freaking conclusions. Peace out!🤘🏻
It was dark.
And I don’t know if it was the rain or my falling tears as I kept running towards nothing. But I knew I was going somewhere. My head was exploding and blasting like a bomb was put inside me. The pain intolerable; but I still kept walking through the bustling city streets.
I was sober, I swear I was but why it felt like alcohol had washed my stomach and had started to revoke all way up my throat? My ribs hurt from all the contraction and my mouth felt like it was covered in mucus. What was going on?
I knew that people were giving me strange looks by now, but I didn’t care. I had to reach the destination of nothing. Something will be there for sure. I know that someone is waiting for me there.
As I looked at my naked feet, they had formed blisters and were covered in blood. Maybe I should have paid attention when I passed through the bushes. But they will heal when I reach nothing, won’t they?
My arms hurt the most to be honest. They were sore and not a single energy passed through them. Even if I lifted weights, they would not be so weak. But at least they were still white as snow, despite the darkness had swallowed whole.
A random stranger asked me if I was okay, so nice of him to show gratitude towards someone like me. But he quickly left without hearing my response. I only pushed the hair out of my face so I could get a clearer look out of this kind stranger but he ran faster than me.
Was there a broccoli stuck between my teeth and he did not want me to feel bad about it?
I continued to run towards my goal, the nothingness. I was bound to reach it, even if it was the last thing I do.
But the rain made it almost impossible for me to reach my eternal goal. It was grazing my skin and forming blotches; almost burning me but I still kept crawling toward a road to no end. By morning I’ll be there for sure- that’s what I kept telling myself. Of course, deep down I knew that I was wrong. Hope dies last, doesn’t it?
As I kept walking I was halted by bright lights coming from a warm and cozy cafe beside me. The pastries almost winked at me and the comfort radiating from that place was calling my name. Will I be allowed to go in? I don’t have any money with me and this place looks classy. After all my clothes are all ragged and my feet are bloodied. Should I have dressed in something more flashy before I left home? I am sure that I had a dress saved up for special occasions.
“Oh, I know that girl” words escaped my lips before I registered them in my brain. But I definitely knew this girl. Wah she turned out fine! She was such a klutz in high school. I remember that she was a sucker for everything and a total dreamer but apparently that worked for her. She really does look nice.
And seeing her right now, dressed in designer clothes, standing in front of a handsome man, really makes me look pathetic. I shouldn’t interrupt them.
“Isn’t she pretty? I used to be like that too but you know what happened.” I told him and he hugged me tightly. No matter what, I always have this person by my side. He protects me from everything.
“What do you think you’re doing?” a voice interrupted my train of thoughts and I would have ignored it if he didn’t call my name “Lori you should have never left home. The nurses are searching heaven and hell for you.”
It was my angel, Gabriel. He always stands by my side whenever I feel dull. “I want to drink coffee” and pointed at the glassy window while grinning widely. “I was just telling him that a classmate of mine is here.”
But Gabriel gave me a look I haven’t seen before and quickly grabbed my arm and started pulling me from where I came from; but I’ll never go back.
“Let me go Gabriel, my friend is worried about me.” I kept pushing him but he was too strong.
Suddenly Gabriel stopped and turned around to face me “What friend Lori? There is no one here, besides the coffee shop was empty. You are hallucinating things.” He yelled at me. He never did this before and I was getting scared.
“Can’t you see him? He is standing near me.” Surprised I stared at my friend and then back at Gabriel. How can he not notice my friend?
But Gabriel just sighed and rubbed his face abruptly “NO, I can’t see him so let’s go now.” and started to grab my hand once again but I pulled back.
“You don’t notice him” my feelings were hurt and I refused to be with someone that disrespected my friend. “We won’t leave if you don’t apologise to him. He has been nothing but nice to me when you weren’t here.”
“Lori, come on, don’t do this. There is no one there” I could sense that his nerves were in a ruckus right now but I don’t care.
Crossing my arms in front of my chest, I frowned “Do you really… not see my pain, my ego, my greed and evil thoughts building up eroding me from inside?” My throat started to feel itchy and eyes stinging but my heart hurt the most. “I’m slowly dying Gabriel and your all-seeing-eye can’t notice what is going on inside me.” He took a step forward and I noticed his scared expression. He was afraid I’d do something and explode but I was too tired for that; my energy had run low.
“Do you really not see that person. It is right here” I pointed at my head. It was hidden deep inside my brain; rested there and occasionally exploded under threatening conditions.
“Lori,” He called but now even my heart was hurt. Gabriel cannot understand me either. “We should go back, if you keep doing this you’ll only keep damaging yourself.”
I chuckled dryly “Ah, so instead I should just bottle it up and move on like nothing ever happened.” tears that had escaped my eyes, I quickly erased them. “Like I always do”
‘That’s not what I meant”
“Do you know why I don’t have any eyes Gabriel?” I mentioned and could notice his entire face washed up, afraid that I touched this topic.
“You ended up in an accident” he meekly responded, voice so low that I could barely hear it.
Quickly I shook my head laughing “No, I gave them to people I treasured. Because that is what you do when you love people; you take something from yourself and give to the other, so that person can be happy.”
“Same goes with one of my kidneys, my liver, bone marrow, blood. I gave up literally pieces of me so everyone could be happy. I even gave up on the single thing I treasured the most just so my friends lived in peace. You probably guessed what? But hey, at least those bastards were satisfied in the end”
Gabriel immediately covered his mouth with his hand and I could hear the muffled sobbing escape from him. He knew but not to this extent. “Lori I’m so sorry” swiftly, his entire body hugged mine and his warmth brought a sense of comfort to my soul.
“Why are you sorry Gabriel. It wasn’t you who did this to me. I did this to me. I don’t need your pity or empathy, it’s pathetic actually.”
“No, I should have stopped you from doing that. I should have protected you from everyone. I failed at my only job” His tears soaked my sleeping gown and I almost felt a sense of humanity inside me.
I hugged him back out of respect “I’m not going back” I whispered into his ear and pushed him back, despite him clinging onto me “That greed is resurfacing and has already infected my whole system. I can’t go back even if I wanted to. Those pieces of me are calling back and I’m not leaving them hanging.”
“Lori, please. I understand where this is coming from but make peace with yourself. What’s broken will never heal? Never run towards something that is damaged.”
“That’s why stop chasing me. That envy is not bad I swear. I don’t plan to do something I’ll regret in the future. I’ll just take what’s lawfully mine”
“Then how do you plan to take your innocence back?” his voice had become more stern and controlling. As if he was more mad than I was. With a little push he would jump on the same pool of greed I did.
“Innocence, my a.ss. I’m worried that if I told you what had really happened you’ll be more hurt than I am.”
I don’t want to brag or anything, because in this condition I am you probably won’t believe me; but once upon a time I was the girl next door. The friend that everyone wanted to have by their side, the girlfriend that boys adored and child that all parents loved. But mostly I thought of myself as selfless. It felt like my entire being was dedicated to help everyone, please everyone but that in itself was selfish. I only did that to boost my self-conscience. As long as I made people happy, I was fulfilled because they all liked me.
How could I know that it is impossible to make everyone adore and love you? I was innocent after all. So when I learnt that everyone had used me for their gruesome intentions I lost it. Especially that one so-called friend drinking coffee with her boyfriend.
It must feel nice to be clean and cut when I took all the hit. Ah, but how could I forget that she had planned the kidnap all along? She pretended to be hurt, because she knew, oh how she knew that I would jump trains, move mountains to heal others and she used this weakness of mine for her benefits. I hope you choke on that coffee and wish you never find any pleasure in either worlds. I want you to suffer by my side and pull your roots regretting what you did to me. I live for that day.
“Let it go Lori” Gabriel took my head in his hands and looked directly in my face, or so I think. I can’t see, they made me blind. “You think that they will get away for what they did to you? I guarantee that not only will they suffer, but they will suffer along with interest. What I care in this bloodied world is only you and you. I don’t want you to suffer anymore rather than live happily ever after.” He paused and embraced me in his arms tightly “With me”
My heart stopped for the first time in my life and I was afraid to even move a muscle, afraid that he might move too. What was happening to me? What are these new, profound feelings I’m having? I can’t explain what I feel.
“First thing in the morning I’ll file a form for your release and after that I’ll take care of you for the rest of our lives and beyond. You belong to me from now on, you hear that. So smile and be happy, because I plan to bug you forever, how does that sound?” He laughed and I swear I was hearing the sound of Heavens. For the first time I could see myself letting it all go and move on with him, and for some reason I let go the first time he smiled at me.
“I love you Lori”